Monday, September 21, 2009

A watched pot can't boil over...

I have a boiling pot of mucky muck that resides inside of me. I keep it tightly covered most of the time because it's easier that way (at least that's what I tell myself) but sometimes when the lid gets to shaking really bad I take it off to release a little steam.

On Friday I took the lid off during a two hour therapy session with my visiting teacher (you know you have a good visiting teacher when you can sit through a two hour therapy session with her and not regret it afterward). And as usual, when I release a bit of the steam that boils in the most secret places of my soul, my initial feelings are that of total elation, it feels so good to let it out, but as the steam settles and I pause to consider what it really means, I'm slammed by feelings of such profound sadness that I can barely function. Not fun, not happy, not cool. I don't like it. Next comes anger, irritation, annoyance "Why do I have to deal with this crap?" I question. "I don't need this." I scoff. "Get back in that pot and leave me alone I don't need you coming around to mess up my life." I yell.

And so I've been walking around the last few days with angry Wolverine eyes creased tightly between my brows when I'm alone, and an angry, yet sad, Wolverine heart hidden beneath a pasted on smile when I'm in public. Not fun, not happy, not cool.

Again this morning I questioned why. Why do I have to deal with this? Can't I just keep it stuffed and covered forever? I'm a highly functional dysfunctional, why isn't that good enough? Why? But I know that I want more. I want to accomplish everything that I came to this earth to do and apparently this can't be done until I release the mucky muck that weights down my soul.

And because God is very good, very loving and very understanding He softened my angry eyes this morning by helping me find a TV show. After returning from dropping kids off at school I turned on the TV for Waylon and was met by a show on BYU TV that just happened to be talking about emotional pain and distress. And wouldn't you know that this program answered all of my "whys". Just try to tell me that God doesn't live and that He is not a God of miracles. I asked why and He led me to the answers.

Now it's my job to take that first step toward healing. I won't be talking about it again here because it is sure to be a doozy. But my visiting teacher believes that someday I will use my healing to help heal others and I know she's right. Because wanting to reach my full potential as a helper has been my motivation for healing all along.


Unknown Mami said...

The best way out is always through.

MaryRC said...

you have a boiling pot. I have a rug that is quite lumpy with all the crap i keep hidden underneath it. i liken my crap to dust bunnies that turn into raging monsters and demand to be let out for air... it would be so much easier if they would just stay put!

hang in there, wish i was there for you therapy sessions..

Jessica said...

2 comments, eh? Nobody know what to say. 1) because we don't know details and 2) who ever knows the perfect thing to say that will help and not hinder the situation? What are my thoughts? Do your best. Destress. Know that God loves you and wants you to be happy (I think you've got that one covered). Other than that, sometimes we experience things and we don't know why, but someday down the road you will come across someone who is experiencing something very similar and you will know exactly how to help her. Even if it's just listening & being there for support, like your VT did for you.

Guess what? I got released from being a RS teacher. My new calling? Nursery leader.

Anonymous said...

I guess it wasn't just my love for a bargin that I passed on to you.....hang in there sweetheart. Know you are admired and loved by a proud mother.