Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Worth it?

I barfed under the Christmas tree, showering the canned goods that had been collected by my schoolmates. The perfect attendance award hadn't tempted me before, or since, but in the fifth grade I wanted it, bad enough to ignore my stomach flu and risk humiliation in front of the entire school.
Later, much later, I regurgitated on my college professors desk. This time it wasn't the contents of my stomach, but my soul. This time it was answers not accolades that I craved and I was willing to risk anything, even public humiliation to get them. I needed help sorting out the lie that had become my life and I didn't care who knew it as long as it could be fixed.
Now as I "throw up" the contents of my life on these blog pages I sometimes wonder if I put myself at risk for humiliation yet again. Do I say or show too much? Are my thoughts better kept locked safely in my mind or in a private book beside my bed? I often question this and yet I feel drawn, just as I had been to my fifth grade award and college answers, drawn to share my piece of this life experience. I want to tell a little bit of my story, to capture precious family moments, and to occasionally vent about those moments that are not so endearing. I want to help for I have been helped, inspire for I have been inspired, and speak the truths that are so mercifully taught to me each and every day.

I hope I can do this.

And I hope it is worth the risk.

Sunday, March 29, 2009


I've been troubled lately, deeply distressed. Not about the economy or the like, I've long since handed that weight over to the Lord and boy has he made my burden light, so much so that I fly right up into the heavens each time the subject gets brought up. It's kind of a Pavlov's dogs reaction. I've prayed so often and received such good tidings of great joy that God lives, that he loves and has a perfect plan for me, and that he is still the God of heaven and earth--that when the gloomy bells of the bad economy toll, within moments I remember the comfort that has been offered to me and I REJOICE. Again and again and again, I rejoice.
Despite this, I've had a very heavy heart. I've worried and worried about a decision I have been trying to make. Worried that I was doing everything WRONG. The what-ifs have taken up residency in my brain, clouding all other thought and understanding.
I have prayed and prayed, but have refused to be comforted because "what-if"...
I recently fasted and prayed about the subject and woke up the following day with a new peace and understanding of what I should do, but sadly this didn't last because "what-if I had only imagined the peace because I wanted it so badly?" and "what-if I was still doing everything WRONG and was only pretending that it was okay so I wouldn't have to find the answer?" WHAT-IF, WHAT-IF, WHAT-IF...
This morning it became too much for me and I cried (I don't cry easily mind you) I cried in the shower because this burden had become too heavy and I just didn't know what to do. I thought that I should probably ask Rick for a blessing and I mentioned to the Lord that if I could just hear the words that the peace and comfort I had felt were real and that I shouldn't be afraid, I would know once and for all what to do. I then quickly apologized for telling him what to say to me and told him that I would accept any counsel he desired to give me.
After my shower I was drawn to my scriptures. I opened to where I had left off in 2 Nephi and began to read. Led away by an interesting foot note, I found myself in D&C for a time, all the while feeling that I should return to 2 Nephi. Not wanting to leave D&C, I ignored that feeling and kept reading until one of my kids came in to ask me something. Looking back down at my scriptures I noticed that I had somehow lost my place in D&C and had turned back to 2 Nephi, chapter 8 to be exact, so I continued my reading there. And that's when the Lord spoke to me in verse 12. He spoke the very words I had pleaded to hear:
I am he; yea, I am he that comforteth you. Behold, who art thou, that thou shouldst be afraid...
And again,

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Priceless discoveries...

How much is a comfy nights sleep worth?

I would have thought that my answer to this question would be "any amount" or "priceless" but I have learned that I don't want to fork out anything for it. I do not want to pay to sleep. I just don't. I've been trying for days to book a hotel but I just can't make myself do it. I can't part with over $100 just to sleep. Do you know what kind of shoes...um, I mean food storage I could buy with $100? It pains me. It really does. Couldn't we just sleep in our car for a night? Or better yet, we could just stay up and party til dawn. I'd rather spend $100 partying til dawn than on some stinky hotel.

Do you know of any late night hot spots that welcome children?


I'm feeling all around bummed today. I miss my city. The kids and I watched John and Kate plus 8 this morning (I DVRed it last night because the previews made it look like they were headed for divorce and I was very concerned for their welfare, but it was just a teaser and all is well (ish). Whew!) and watching Kate take her kids all over to various museums made me feel so sad.

The kids and I talked about all of our favorite "going to the museum" memories and we just miss it. We miss those activities and as far as I can tell there is nothing like that here.

I know that if I used my creativity and cleverness I could make fun for my children. I could set up arts and crafts centers, water tables, play villages, and puppet theaters, but there is something magical about going to a museum to explore the works of others.

I love the paintings and the sculptures, the intricate bead work and the crazy art made from recycled junk. I love to witness the dreams of others come alive in 3-D.

I love that we were made to dream, imagine and create. Discovering the talents of others makes me every bit as warm and fuzzy as when I discover them within myself.

And making these discoveries with my children is all the better--worth any amount, priceless even.

Perhaps I'll go ahead and book that hotel now.

Because time and money will forever slip away,

but memories...

Now those are something I can hold on to.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Fun and Fancy Free...

What do you do when you fall off a bike, even when that fall is broken by a fire hydrant to the chest (remember that one Heidi?), well you get right back on of course. And so it must be with this lovely blog of mine. I have been absent from it for so long that I feel as though I no longer know how to "ride".

I'm feeling a little mushy in the brain these days when it comes to writing, and preparing my lesson too for that matter. I'm teaching on Sunday and here it is Thursday night without so much as an outline. I've read the lesson a couple of times and contemplated it often, but no plan, no outline, not good.

After feeding the kids a nutritious meal of frozen pizza and or Ramen tonight (the hubs is working late and who cooks a big meal when they're not trying to impress the sugar daddy I'd like to know) I announced that I would be in my room working on my lesson. So I lied. I lied to my children. But that's okay because I hear them listening to songs on YouTube instead of doing their homework so we're even.

And yes it is close to 9:00 and my younger kids are still awake, quietly watching a movie in hopes that Mom won't notice it's bedtime while she works on "her lesson".

It is a Ramen noodle, YouTube in place of homework, movie instead of bed, blog before lesson kind of day~ AND I LOVE IT.

Spring break starts next week and I guess I've already caught the lets be carefree and irresponsible bug. Perhaps we'll even start our holiday early and skip school tomorrow (ROWDY). Oh wait I forgot, we've already used up the allotted number of sick days being SICK so I guess we'll have to stick it out for one more (half) day.

Then it's a week of carefree days for all.

I can't wait.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Sick and Crazy...

My life is very sick and crazy right now. Sick kids, crazy torn up house. There is stuff everywhere. You'd think we were moving or something but we're not. Just a lot of projects going on right now (I'll try to post about that later) and because of sick kids the projects are going very, very slowly.
This is the first time I've turned on my computer in nearly a week. Crazy.
Anyway I just wanted to post a quick note to let you know that I'm alive and I hope to get back to blogging soon.
Oh and Missy, I couldn't get the email address you gave me to work so I am banned from your blog. So if you read this please let me know how to contact you. Thanks.